Sexual Addiction: Roadblock to Intimacy

Guess what!  This week you get an extra installment of:

When Tonya Ferguson asked me to partner with her in writing a series on Sex God’s Way, neither one of us was prepared for the number of responses we would receive from women who were struggling because their husbands were not interested in engaging in sex with them!  Much of our experience and study had prepared us for WOMEN not being interested in sex, but MEN?  Weren’t they supposed to be complete sex-mongers?

As we read the comments and private messages from these women, one common theme began to stand out: most (but not all) of these husbands had dealt - or were still dealing - with an addiction to porn and/or masturbation, or some other form of sexual sin.

I find myself grieving for these women who so want to share this intimate expression of love with their husbands but are not afforded the opportunity.  Oh, how Satan has abused and broken this beautiful gift our Lord created for us!  And I have prayed in earnest for these husbands to be freed from their bondage and enabled to love their wives with heart, soul, mind and BODY!

And so it is through prayers for wisdom and the leading of the Holy Spirit that I write these thoughts:

Sexual Addiction is a VERY real thing.  We don’t want to look at it the same way we do an addiction to nicotine or alcohol or gambling, but it is no different!  It creates a very physical craving for more and more stimulation, each act requiring more stimulation to achieve the level of pleasure that was achieved the time before.  It involves chemical reactions in your mind and body, and it involves a mental and emotional addiction as well.

Men who are addicted to sexual stimulation have been put in Spiritual bondage by our enemy the devil.  When men have been involved with porn or masturbation or other ungodly sexual activity, Satan has chained them through this sin.  They MUST face their addiction, calling it what it is and confessing it OUT LOUD, and then they must invite Jesus to break these chains.  They need Godly men and women to pray with them, pray for them, pray over them to gain freedom over the long-lasting effects of their sins.  Sexual addiction is too often hidden away in the secret places of our lives, but it must be brought out into the open and dealt with.  My husband has a close friend who was a closet alcoholic for years, and it wasn’t until it was forced out into the open that he was able to face it and deal with it.  Sexual addiction works the same way.

A person fighting to gain freedom from sexual addiction will also need someone to walk alongside them through the struggle.  Think of it like an AA sponsor, only for sex.  This person must have total access to the addict’s life; he’s got to be allowed to ask the addict ANYthing and know that he’s going to get an honest answer.  It’s kind of like an accountability partner, only it’s that plus SO much more.

If men are used to having erotic stimulation such as porn in order to achieve and maintain an erection, they may need to take a "fast" from any and all sexual stimulation.  This means TV, ALL internet access, magazines... they will ALL have to be purged from their homes.  They will have to be HIGHLY intentional about guarding their eyes in surroundings outside their homes.  And then they and their wives will have to commit to NOT initiating anything sexual for a period of time.  It won't be fun for either one, but it is with a purpose.  And as 1 Corinthians 7 instructs, they must use this time for prayer…together…about their sex life!  Just like a person who has been living on junk food... the good, healthy stuff just doesn't taste good...UNTIL you purge your life of the junk.  After NOT eating the junk for a good long time, the real stuff tastes really good!  And after a man completely purges his life from the junk and retrains his appetite to enjoy Godly sexuality, his wife should more than arouse and satisfy him.

I know that not every man's inability to have sex or disinterest in sex ties back to a porn and/or masturbation addiction, but I think that many do.  Even once a man no longer views the porn, that sin still has a hold on him until he fully surrenders it to the Lord.  If it's not porn, it may be some other sexual issue that is still wrapping guilt around the whole idea of sex.  Even someone who was sexually abused is often burdened with guilt over something that was never his fault.  Guilt will always stand in the way of true intimacy!

Wives, here are some thoughts for you as you support your husband in his pursuit of freedom from sexual bondage:

Imagine your husband in chains and shackles, locked behind the bars of a prison cell.  This is what Satan has done to him through his addiction to ungodly sexual stimulation.  Let that image compel you to have compassion and mercy on your husband, and let it drive you to your knees in prayer for his release.  Your husband is not the enemy; Satan is.

Take the pressure off of him to “perform.”  If you have tried unsuccessfully to have sex, know that your man probably feels really low about himself.  That’s his MANHOOD we’re talking about, you know?!  So relax for a while and don’t try to push him until he’s ready.  While you’re waiting on him, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!  I’ve said it before and I’ll just keep saying it…PRAY about your sex life!  Take the responsibility off of yourself and your husband and wait on the Lord to lead you!

Affirm your husband and his manliness without attaching it to anything sexual.  Let him know you appreciate how he takes care of you and your family.  Applaud his achievements at work, his involvement in community service or church activities.  Remind him that you love him!

Did I mention that you should PRAY for him?

Realize that you can’t fight this battle for your husband.  HE has to make the choice to pursue freedom through Christ.  And understand that it wouldn’t matter how beautiful or sexy you were, you wouldn’t be enough to draw your man away from the addiction.  Not because you aren’t gorgeous, but because Satan has convinced him that the sin is better, that the counterfeit pleasure is better than the real thing.  Satan is SUCH a liar!

One more thing: PRAY!  (I think you’re starting to get my point…)

My sisters in Christ, don’t give up on your husband or your pursuit of an intimate relationship with him.  NOTHING is beyond the reaches of our God’s mighty power, and I firmly believe He can and will restore intimacy to your marriage.  Be persistent in your prayers and compassionate in your love, and may God’s tender mercy trade your ashes for beauty and your brokenness for restoration.

“Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.  Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!  Replace the evil years with good.” Psalm 90:14-15

Want to read more? Check out this Resource List that Tonya and I have compiled!

Three's a Crowd

Welcome to this week's edition of...

 

Over the past week or so I've had the pleasure of partnering with a friend of mine to write a series of blog posts addressing a Godly perspective of sex.  As I answered readers' comments on those posts, I began to understand just how deeply many women are hurting in this area of their marriages.

One particular topic that just keeps coming back is the prevalence of pornography, even in Christian homes.  It breaks my heart to read how many couples are being held in bondage by this evil trap that Satan has designed.

I want to spend some time addressing the topic of pornography, but today I feel the Spirit leading me in a different -- but somewhat similar -- direction.

You see, part -- and I do really mean only part -- of the problem of pornography is the fact that it brings another person (or people) into what is supposed to be an exclusive marriage relationship.

But porn is not the only means through which we do this. 

Do you call your mom to complain about your husband every time you have a disagreement?  Does your husband share all the details of your sex life with his buddy at work?  Is your best friend privy to information about your spouse that is deeply personal and private?  Does your mother-in-law have unlimited access to your home and your husband's attention and affection?

Then perhaps you should consider that you have allowed another person into your marriage.

Or maybe you've brought someone into the most intimate part of your marriage -- your bedroom.  They may not (absolutely SHOULD NOT) be there in person, but you've brought them there through your thoughts and fantasies.  Maybe your spouse isn't the only sexual partner you've had, and you compare those past experiences to the intimate moments you share with your spouse.  Or it might not even be a real person, just a character from the latest book you've been reading or movie you watched.  And instead of focusing on giving yourself wholly to our spouse, you're imagining it is someone else that you are with or comparing reality with this unrealistic fantasy.

And suddenly there are not just two people involved in your marriage, but THREE.

I'm guessing that's not exactly how you pictured things on your wedding day.

There are just certain parts of your marriage that are ONLY to be shared between you and your husband, and the only "third party" that should be involved is God.  The sexual side of things is obvious, but I challenge you to think beyond the bedroom when you consider your vow to keep yourself only for your spouse. 

Scripture speaks several times about a husband and wife becoming "one flesh."  We generally take that to mean a sexual union, but I have come to understand that it is more of an entwining of people, heart, mind, soul AND body.  Which means you are to keep yourself emotionally and intellectually for your spouse as well as physically.

The danger in bringing someone else into your marriage, such as a mother or best friend, is that your loyalty begins to shift.  The relationship that was designed to be sacred, intimate and unbreakable then becomes second to this other relationship.  The person who is supposed to be FIRST in your life ends up taking a back seat to this other person.  And trust me, Satan will snatch that opportunity to begin driving a wedge between husband and wife, his primary goal to destroy the beautiful marriage that God has created.

[I'm not saying that a wife shouldn't have a confidante (although I strongly advise against it being her mother!), just that there are certain subjects and details that shouldn't be shared outside of your marriage.  Trust me, I know that sometimes we just need to tell someone, but some details are best saved for your journal and your prayer time.]

Marriage was created by God to be between one man and one woman; no mothers, best friends or fantasies are invited!

I'm a sucker for Victorian-era movies, and The Young Victoria is one of my favorites of late.  Toward the end of the movie, the young queen is advised by a friend that her long time caregiver, Lehzen, must be let go if Prince Albert, her new husband, is ever to feel welcome and comfortable in his new home.  The friend realizes that a marriage that involves three people just doesn't work.  It was a hard thing for Victoria to do, to send her life-long friend and confidante away, but for the sake of her marriage she did it.

It might be time for you to make some hard decisions yourself.  It might be time to break some ties with certain people or to set new boundaries for your conversation and friendship.  Let your spouse know that he or she is the most important person in your life, your marriage the most valued relationship. 

Because in a marriage, two is perfect company, but three is definitely a crowd.

The One Flesh Relationship: Loving each other with heart, soul, mind and strength

Those of you who visit my blog regularly know that I write often about marriage.  The subject of marriage is one that I am passionate about because I have met so many men and women whose marriages are at best mediocre, and so many more who are barely hanging on.  Christians are absolutely not immune to marital problems, and I see Satan use marriage as a battleground on which to wage war against our faith.  I am determined to help Christian couples stand up to the enemy and fight for their marriages, and so I continue to write and teach the truths that God reveals to me.

Sometimes that means I have to deal with some issues that are a little uncomfortable to talk about.  It means I have to talk about things like sex and porn and infidelity.  Because if we leave these things in the dark -- and Christians in the dark about these things -- we can never bring them into full submission to God.  But when we bring them into the light, we can start to deal with them and bring healing to broken and hurting people.

One issue that I often talk with women about is how hard it is for wives to give themselves fully and freely to their husbands.  Somehow we've gotten this idea that we can have successful and fulfilling marriages without being willing to reach out to our husbands physically.  We expect to stay committed to him -- and he to us -- emotionally and mentally and spiritually without that physical interaction.  And it just doesn't work. 

We are told in Mark 12:30 to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.  We as humans are made up of four different aspects: heart (emotional); soul (spiritual); mind (cognitive); and strength (physical).  Wives, these four aspects are woven together to create in you a unique person, unlike anyone else in the world.  Your husband is also uniquely made up of these four things; he is emotional, spiritual, cognitive and physical.   You are each your own person, created in the image of God, who is also emotional, spiritual, cognitive and physical (in the person of Jesus).  When you enter into a one-flesh marriage relationship these two beautifully unique people give themselves to be intertwined with the other.  Your spirit wraps itself with his, your heart and your mind become interwoven with his, and yes, your physical bodies meet in a very special way.  And as these four aspects of each one of you weave themselves together, they become a new, beautiful creation.  If you look closely, you can still see the individual strands of both husband and wife, but they have mingled together to create this new design, this new entity…this one flesh.  Man and woman united as one, together reflecting the perfect image of the One who created them.  THIS is what it means to become “One Flesh.”

My heart breaks when women share with me how this beautiful one-flesh tapestry has been damaged in their marriage.  Too many times they share how Satan has distorted sexuality, either through abuse earlier in their life, or more often through their husband's addiction to pornography.  Satan has lured too many husbands into thinking that they can have the pleasure of a sexual experience outside of the emotional and spiritual relationship with their wives.  I have seen the addiction wrap itself around the hearts of men and hold them in shackles, convincing them that they have a right to this experience.  And I have seen the spirits of their wives being crushed underneath feelings of rejection and inadequacy.

The root of both problems -- women not wanting to participate in sex and men being consumed by it -- is the removal of sexuality from the context of the one-flesh relationship that God designed.  We’ve got to recognize that all four of these aspects are so woven around each other that you cannot change one without changing the others.  You cannot just decide that you don’t want to stay connected physically the way he needs you to and still expect to have the emotional and spiritual connection that YOU want.  And he cannot seek out sexual satisfaction without the spiritual and emotional aspects of marriage and expect to find the gratification he's looking for.  When we try to remove any one strand of this beautifully woven creation, we either cause untold damage to the other three, or we undo the entire thing and remove ourselves completely.  Either choice leaves both spouses hurting and the marriage broken.

Consider this: when a woman decides that she wants to unwind the physical aspect of her marriage, she also begins to unravel herself emotionally, mentally and spiritually from her husband.  The result is a hole in her marriage relationship, a door per-say, through which Satan gains entry and begins to entice her husband.  As he battles with his body's God-given need for sex, he also has to fight to silence Satan's whispers that he can find satisfaction through other means than his wife.  As he begins to dabble with porn or masturbation or even sexual involvement with another woman, his wife feels rejected and begins to unwind herself even more from her husband.  Don't get me wrong, an unmet sexual need in NO way justifies ANY form of infidelity, and a husband is absolutely responsible for his own choices.  But you can see how the cycle continues to unravel the entire marriage relationship.  (And sometimes the cycle begins with the husband's choices instead of the wife's.)

Sexuality is something that God designed to be a beautiful and intimate experience.  It requires both husband and wife to completely trust one another and allow themselves to be absolutely vulnerable with each other.  It is an expression of the deep love and commitment they have for one another.  But somehow, Satan has convinced men and women otherwise.  In his smooth, deceitful tongue, he has convinced us that sex is for physical pleasure only, and he has distorted the truth until it bears but a glimmer of what God intended it to be.

We don't like to talk about this much in our churches and Bible studies.  It's not comfortable and it's too personal.  But if we as God's people want to see marriages succeed...no, thrive...then we've got to stop ignoring this issue and stop pretending it doesn't exist.  We've got to bring it out into the light and let God bring restoration and redemption into our marriages.

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." ~ John 3:19-21