Love...With All Your Heart

 If you're new to the blog, take a minute to hop over and read the introduction to this post: Crock-Pot Marriage

It seems a little ironic to me that I would start my "Love..." series with this topic, what with my declaration of how much I despise manufactured mushy, lovey feelings.  (No clue what I'm talking about?  Take a quick detour and read what I have against Valentine's Day.)

But since the heart is really the first place we go to talk about love, it seems only fitting.  And the whole basis for this series, Mark 12:30, starts with the heart so I figure it's best to do the same.

Love...with all your heart.

At first glance, it seems that the idea of loving someone with all your heart would be a simple thing.   Loving is something we do naturally, from the time we are small children. It seems that the need to love and be loved was woven into the core of who we are as humans.

And why wouldn't it be?  After all, we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and God is, Himself, love. (1 John 4:7-8)

And yet, love is this mystical feeling that we really don't seem to have much control over and can't even really describe.  All we know is that sometimes it makes us want to sing, and other times it makes us want to cry.  It makes us long to be around the person we love and to pull them close and hold them tight.  It compels us to do things for someone else that we never imagined ourselves doing.  

Oh, this wonderful thing we call love!

And when we first began to feel this amazing feeling for the person who is now our spouse, it turned our world upside down. We couldn't imagine anything ever changing the way we felt.  Nothing could ever taint this perfect, beautiful, glorious LOVE we were feeling.

(If you're a newlywed, you may even feel that way about your spouse this very moment.  Take a minute or two and just bask in the warmth of that deliciously wonderful feeling!)

While the newlyweds are basking, the rest of us are going to take a stroll ahead to the reality of life a few years after the wedding.   Let's face it, it doesn't matter how wonderful your marriage is, there are just some days that are a little less 

and a little more

Emotions - feelings - are fickle things, affected by so many variables.  The weather, lack of sleep, hormones, the children...   Some days we're feeling the love and some days... well, let's just say we're not feeling it.  If someone were to ask us, "do you love your spouse?" of course we would answer with a resounding, "yes!"  But if we were asked, "how do you feel about him right now?" I daresay that sometimes it would be difficult to answer quite so enthusiastically.

Would you be shocked if I told you that loving your spouse with all your heart actually has very little to do with how you feel?

God has loved us - His most precious creation - with all of His heart.  He loves us so much that first He gave us His Son: a living, breathing, walking, talking personification of Himself.  And then He called Jesus back to His presence so that He could send something better: His Holy Spirit. (See John 16:7) The Comforter, the Helper.  A part of Himself that could live in each one of His children, that would allow us to constantly live in His presence.  And Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that when the Holy Spirit lives in us, we begin to see things like love and joy and peace and patience begin to show up in our lives.  Each one of these Fruits of the Spirit are somehow connected with an emotion, with our heart.

God has loved us with His heart by giving of Himself in order to take care of our hearts.

And now it is our turn to love our spouses with our hearts by taking care of theirs.

This means we've got to start by finding out what their hearts need.  Perhaps your spouse follows the pattern described by Paul in Ephesians 5:33, where he instructs husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands.  Why would he give such instructions?  Because most women need to feel loved and most men need to feel respected!  Sure, it's not true for absolutely everyone across the board, but you'll never know unless you seek out your spouse's heart and discover for yourself what he or she needs.  In addition, you've got to discover what it means to love your wife or respect your husband from their perspective.

Respect is incredibly important to my husband.  I can tell him that I love him all day long, but if I don't show him respect, especially in our home and around our children, he doesn't feel loved.  I've known this for a good long time.  But I realized a while back that I didn't completely understand what it means to show him respect.  I had my own definition, but I had never bothered to ask Scott what he perceived as respect, or especially the lack thereof.  Unless I understand what he perceives as respect, I will never be able to give it to him.  And so I asked him.

It's so very much easier to communicate with someone if you know what language they speak.

Now I am trying to learn to speak "Respect" in Scott's language.  There are times when it is honestly really hard and it requires some self-sacrifice.  There are even some times when I think it's beyond what I am capable of doing.  (Mostly that means keeping my mouth shut instead of speaking my mind, which truly happens only by the self-control grown in me by the Holy Spirit.)  But it's what my husband's heart needs, and so I am trying to choose to give it. 

What do you need to do to love your spouse with all your heart?  Ask him or her and find out!  Sit facing one another on the couch or on the bed.  Look each other in the eyes and ask, "What can I do to make you feel more loved by me?" And then keep asking questions until you completely understand.  You might be as surprised by the answers you get as your spouse is by the question itself!

Once you know what it will take - or even as you're still figuring it out - work, and work hard at doing whatever it is that your spouse's heart needs you to do.  That means being intentional with words and actions.  It means dying to self  at times in order to give your husband the respect that he needs, or your wife the love and adoration that she needs.  Give sacrificially of yourself in order to care for the heart of your beloved.

What a relief it is to me to know that loving my husband with all my heart really has nothing to do with sappy, mushy sentiment (although that may be exactly what your spouse needs from you!), but everything to do with giving his heart what it needs.  Ironically, I often realize that when I am intentionally loving Scott, giving his heart what it needs, those mushy feelings start to show up on their own.

I guess sometimes a girl just has to give in...

Crock-Pot Marriage

It's been almost a year now since I entered the work force full time after having been a stay-at-home mom for more than a decade.  It has been a challenge to continue taking care of my husband and four kids the way I want to, stay involved in the life of my church family, and put in 40+ hours a week as a bank teller.  It has been exhausting and thrilling and full of life lessons.

One thing I have learned is to let go of some things.

Things like the housecleaning.  My kiddos have all learned to do chores.  I've learned to let their best effort be good enough, even though the work may not be done the way I would have done it.

Things like meal planning and prep.  When I stayed at home with my babies, I loved to cook and almost always had a balanced, home-cooked meal on the table by 5:00 in the evening.  Now I have become quite proficient at throwing something in the crock-pot on my lunch hour in the hopes that it will be edible at some point before bedtime.

I love my crock-pot recipes.  They're quick to assemble and then I can just walk away and let the appliance do all the work.

I was thinking today how nice it would be if relationships worked the same way.  Especially marriages.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could just find a mate with the right "ingredients" and then just let the marriage simmer for a few decades?

Alas, it is not to be.  No, marriages take a more hands-on approach for sure.  And although there are hundreds of articles out there that tell you otherwise, there really isn't even a fail-proof recipe, no step-by-step instructions to follow that will guarantee the success of your marriage relationship.

Which is ironic, considering the title of one of my previous posts, The Recipe For Love.

I do believe, however, that the Bible gives us the basic ingredients.

Mark 12:30 tells us to love the Lord with our heart, soul, mind and strength.  I believe this tells us that were were created to love in four very distinct and significant ways:
We love with our hearts...emotionally.
We love with our souls...spiritually.
We love with our minds...cognitively or intellectually.
We love with our strength...physically.

These four "ingredients" - emotional love, spiritual love, intellectual love, and physical love - are the basis for lasting and fulfilling marriage.  But they aren't simple ingredients that we can just toss into the relationship and then walk away.  We have to tend to them, sometimes stirring them gently and other times kneading them with a firm hand.  It takes work to make these ingredients come together into something delicious and satisfying.

In the coming weeks I will address each ingredient individually.  I will talk about what it means to love your spouse emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically.  I will give some practical suggestions.  I will open the Word and show you how God loves His own bride, the church, in each of these ways.  And I hope you will be encouraged to love your spouse a little more deeply, and little more fully.

Let's save the crock-pots for dinner and learn to be a gourmet chef when it comes to our marriages.

Link: Love...With All Your Heart

Why I Don't Like Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is just a few days away.  Have you made your plans yet for that special "someone" in your life?  Do you have your mushy, we're-so-perfect-for-each-other card all signed and ready to go?  Are you prepared to feel gloriously and giddy in love for a day?

Confession: I don't really like Valentine's Day.  (Sorry, Honey.)

In fact, some years I'd prefer just to skip it altogether.

It might have something to do with the fact that my first and last children have birthdays just before and after Valentine's Day, so I'm always too preoccupied with plans to celebrate those instead of focusing on my husband.  I'm usually exhausted and just a little crabby by the time February 14th rolls around.

But really, I think it has more to do with the fact that I simply cannot manufacture lovey-dovey, over-the-top romantic feelings just because the calendar tells me I should.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband.  I love him with all my heart.  Every day. 

Even when I don't like him very much.

I think I just heard you gasp.  "What?  Did you just put it in writing that you don't always like your husband?"

Well, YES.

Some days he makes me crazy.  And I do the same to him!  It's OKAY!  It's part of spending your entire adult life with someone.  Some days you can't get enough of him (or her), and some days you're ready to send him away on a vacation...by himself!

Why?  Because no matter how much you love a person, that person never was and never will be perfect.  And neither will you.  The key is learning to be okay with that reality.

Like so many other people, when Scott and I got married, I had grand visions of how perfectly happy we would be together.  We would live in complete harmony every day.  No conflict, no friction, just bliss.  We would truly be the very first "perfect couple."

This misguided vision assumed a couple of things.  First, that I would bring no flaws into the marriage with me.  Apparently there was nothing objectionable about me, nothing Scott should ever find fault with.  And if there was anything objectionable about Scott, he should quickly alter it so as to meet my expectations.  It also assumed that in each other, Scott and I would find everything we would ever need to be happy and fulfilled.

We say things to each other when we're in love, absurd things that we then print in Valentine's Day and Anniversary cards.  Things like, "you complete me," and "you're perfect for me."

It has been a hard lesson for me to learn that I will never be able to "complete" my husband, nor will he do that for me.  No matter how much we love each other and no matter how hard we want it to be true, our spouses cannot fulfill every need in our lives.  They just can't.

They weren't meant to.

Because the only place we will ever find completion is in Christ. (Check out Colossians 2:9-10.)

And when we expect our spouse to do the work in us that only Jesus can do, we set them up for failure.  We create an environment for our marriage where brokenness and imperfections aren't allowed.  Our spouse is no longer "safe" to bring his humanness, his flaws, to the relationship and know that he will still be loved.  And we carry the pretense that we, ourselves, bring nothing but perfection to the table, thus leaving a good portion of ourselves outside in the cold.

Intimacy - true emotional, spiritual intimacy - cannot take place when we will not or cannot bring our whole person safely into the marriage.

Thankfully, God is teaching me a new reality for marriage.

The truth is, my husband will stumble.  Because he is human, because sin too often finds a way to seep in, because we still function in a broken world.  Because this side of heaven, my husband will never be perfect.

And neither will I.  I will fail more times than I would like to imagine or admit.

But the reality that I am learning to live in is one where it's okay for Scott to be imperfect. It's okay for me to admit that I have flaws.  We can even expect each other to have faults, to experience failures.  And we can decide to love each other, faults and all.  Not in spite of our failures, but through our failures.  As Casting Crowns puts it, we can be "broken together."

I cannot describe to you how I felt the day this truth crystallized in my mind.  (But I'm gonna try!)  It was like stepping outside into the sun after being trapped inside for a week, like leaving the office on Friday evening before a week of vacation.  I imagine it was something like my teacher-husband feels on the first day of summer break.  Freedom!

Suddenly I didn't feel confined by the need to make my husband conform to my ideals. Nor did I want to pretend that I am always right or even always lovable.  Suddenly it felt safe to be real.  And it felt really great to know that I can bring all my imperfections to my marriage and that I can invite my husband to do the same, and that together as one flesh we can do life together.  We can help each other through the hard times and celebrate with one another through the good.

This, my friends is LOVE.

(By the way, this isn't as new of a concept as I make it out to be.  Check out what Paul had to say on the subject in Colossians 3:12-15.)

So, back to Valentine's Day.  I'm still not a fan of the so-called "holiday," and I just can't bring myself to buy Scott some cheesy, sentimental card.  But I am looking forward to spending some quality time with him.  And I may have something a little silly-romantic up my sleeve.

Maybe.

(Love you, Scott. :) )

A Submissive Wife: I have to do WHAT?

I heard a sermon Sunday morning about submissiveness.  When I discovered that was the day's topic, I felt my stomach sink a little and groaned to myself, "Oh, no..."  Would it be a "wives need to obey their husbands" sermon, our would it swing the opposite direction?  I've heard so many sermons on the subject and they never seem to agree.

So I did a little digging, a little reading on the subject and guess what...I found just as many differing ideas online as I've heard in churches!  It would be so easy to just pick a line of thinking that feels good, that doesn't challenge how I live and go with it.

But somehow I don't think God would agree to that method.

For me it is easy to latch onto the idea that submission to God absolutely means obedience, but submission to my husband....well, that's a different concept.  He's not my boss, my authority, so I don't have to OBEY him.

But I know many circles wholeheartedly believe that a husband IS his wife's authority figure, and so long as it doesn't involve abuse, she IS required to obey him.

Which one of these views on the Scripture is correct?  Or is there a happy medium?

I suppose we should start with actually reading the Scripture itself:

Ephesians 5:21-33

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

At first glance, it sure does appear that submission -- according to this passage -- involves obedience.  When we describe someone as being the "head" of someone or something else, we see that person has having authority, much like the "head" of a corporation.  However, author Gilbert Bilezikian states in his book, Beyond Sex Roles: What the Bible Says about a Woman's Place in Church and Family that our English understanding of the word "head" couldn't be farther from the intention of the original language:

"...Paul equates Christ’s headship with his ministry as Savior, which is consistently defined in the New Testament as a suffering servant function requiring self-sacrifice for the sake of humanity... In Paul’s explanation about the meaning of headship, nothing suggests that head might imply rulership or authority. Had this been the case, Paul would have more appropriately stated, 'Christ is the head of the church. He is himself the Lord of the body' instead of 'the Savior of the body.'"

He goes on to say, "The church is submitted to Christ in reciprocation of Christ’s servanthood to it. In the same manner, wives submit to their husbands to reciprocate, in mutual submission, their husbands’ self-sacrificing love for their wives."

"Wives submit to their husbands to reciprocate...their husbands' self-sacrificing love for their wives."  She gives herself to him as he gives himself to her in a beautiful circle of unselfish love.

My husband and I had the opportunity last weekend to share with a group of married couples about what it takes to have a God-centered, over-flowing-with love kind of marriage.  We never used the word "submission," but I think we nailed the concept.  In short, we talked about casting aside the pursuit of having your own needs met in order to fully pursue meeting the needs of your spouse.  Serving each other purposefully and intentionally.

Ladies, to "submit" yourself to your husband isn't to deem him your "authority" like you would your father when you were a child or your boss at work.  To submit to your husband means to recognize that your job is to serve him as your protector, your friend, your lover and to do it willingly and unselfishly.

Husbands, submission from your wife is not something that you can demand.  It is something that you invoke by the way you love her and give yourself for her in order to take care of her.

When we recognize the beautiful order that God created for marriage, that it is a representation of the relationship He created between His Son and His Church, and we begin to live according to that order, marriage becomes a truly sacred relationship.  It takes on a depth and richness that we once could only dream of.

Biblical submission is not something we should be afraid of or dread.  It truly is part of God's design for the perfect life He so longs for His children to experience.  Let us purpose ourselves to living as we are called, "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Eph. 5:21)

Leftovers

 How about a little

Over the weekend my husband put in some hours at his second job while the kids and I spent the day at the football field and visiting with my parents.  Knowing that we were planning to grill burgers and hotdogs for lunch, Scott requested on his way out the door that I "save him some."

When it came time to eat, apparently my children hadn't been fed in years...well, at least since breakfast.  They devoured the food in record time, leaving one hamburger and half of a hotdog on the serving plate.  One of the boys asked if they could have that last burger, but I quickly jumped in to protect it.  "That one's for Dad!"

I wanted to make sure and save him something.  After all, he did ask.

Normally when we sit down to dinner, while I serve the kids first, I save the biggest, choicest piece of meat for my husband.  After all, he's the king of this castle and deserves the best.

And, besides that, I love him, and I choose to honor him by giving him the best portion.

He's never asked me to do that, and I don't know that he even realizes that I do it.  Which makes it even better, because it comes from a genuine desire to bless him, not my own attempt for accolades or displays of gratitude.

While there are all kinds of spiritual lessons to be taught by that story, what I'm really thinking about is whether I give Scott the best of me on a daily basis, or whether I just save him a few leftovers.

Our days as wives are filled with people and things that consume us -- our time, our energy, our thoughts.  Even our word quota for the day!  I know there are many days when, by the time we've got the kids in bed and the house put back in order, I just want to curl up on the couch and give myself over to a few minutes of mindless television or FaceBook stalking. 

I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, and honestly, I usually don't even want to listen.

I try, I really do.  Because I honestly do want to know what's going on in his world every day.  It's just that by the end of the day I've got nothing left to give.

Because I let everyone else have first dibs.

It's no wonder we feel so distant from each other sometimes.

So how do we fix this?  How do I save the best portion of myself for my husband?

I've got a few ideas to share, but then I'd really like to hear your thoughts, your suggestions.

     1) Prioritize my day, and cut out some things that are not essential but use up more energy than
         they ought.
     2) Walk away from conversations that are negative and emotionally oppressive.
     3) More coffee. (Haha.)
     4) Put down what I'm working on of an afternoon several minutes before I expect him to walk in
         the door, so that I can give him my full attention right away.  Even if it's just for five or ten
         minutes.
     5) Save my most exciting news of the day to tell him first, before I tell anyone else.
     6) Be more intentional about scheduling date nights at least twice a month, even if they're "at
         home" dates.

Scott deserves more than just the leftovers, he deserves the best of me.  And your spouse deserves the best of you.  Share some ideas with me of how we can save the best portion of ourselves for our beloved, and then let's make it a point to do just that.

Tongues of Fire

It's time for a little

I read a funny little email the other day that described why men are "happier" in life.  Some of the quips were oh, so true, while others were just silly.

Here a few:

• Chocolate is just another snack...
• They never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is "just too icky."
• They know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• They can open all their own jars.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years...decades, even.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
• They can 'do' their nails with a pocket knife.
• They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

One particular line made me giggle, but since then has had me thinking:

"A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything the man says after that is the start of a new argument."

Hmm.

I admit, I'm a girl who likes to have the last word.  Because I like to be right.

Whether I really am or not.

The problem is that when I insist on being right, I'm telling my husband that he is wrong.  And when I argue that I am right ALL.THE.TIME. that means that I'm telling him he's wrong.  ALL.THE.TIME.

Sometimes I try to "bite my tongue" and keep quiet about things, consoling myself by thinking about how right I am (and how wrong he is).  But it never really works.  Even if I don't spout my thoughts in the moment, they always seem to come out later when my guard is down.

James 3 tells us that it is impossible to tame the tongue, calling it a "fire" and a world of "evil," "unrighteousness," or "iniquity" (depending on which translation you're looking at).  In other words, it is highly destructive and it cannot be bridled.  Left on its own, it will consume everything in its path.

Do I want my husband to be consumed by my words?  Do I want him to be destroyed by what I say?  That old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me..."  Yeah, we all know how much of a lie that is.

Words DO hurt!

Even if they weren't intended to be hurtful.

Ephesians 4:29 tells us: "Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."  

We may not be using words that we consider to be "foul or abusive," but are we being careful to use our words to encourage our spouse?  Or are we more concerned about voicing our own opinion, our own need to be right?

Philippians 2:3-4 says, "Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too."

I find that when I am consumed with being "right," I am only looking out for the interests of one person: myself.  Whatever the topic is, it usually isn't important enough to be arguing about in the first place.  Shouldn't my husband's feelings be more important to me than some trivial piece of information?  Is being right so vital to my well-being that I am willing to go to battle against my husband in order to defend it?

Which is my better ally, my husband or my "rightness?" 

I want to choose my husband.

And yet my weak flesh continues to choose "rightness."

So what to do?  How do we contain this unbridled fire of our tongue and re-direct it in a way that builds up our spouse instead of tearing him down?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. BEFORE you step onto the battlefield, surrender to God your need to be right.  Get down on your knees with Him and hand him that desire.  Ask for it to be replaced by a strong desire to encourage and build up your spouse.
2. Tell your spouse that you don't want to argue about being right any more.  Ask him or her to join you in that commitment.
3. When that moment arrives when you want to argue, ask yourself if it's really a life-or-death matter.  Is it going to make a difference in the long run?  If not (and usually this is the case), tell your spouse, "This isn't worth the trouble.  Who cares which one of us is right?  Let's just change the subject."
4. Seal the deal by verbally "appreciating" something about your spouse. 

I know that for many of us, this is NOT going to be easy. Even as I typed these steps, my human nature fought to say, "But what if I really AM right?   How do I just let that go??"  That's where we trust the Holy Spirit to intervene and claim victory over our flesh.

We cannot tame the blazing fire of our tongues.  But God can.  And being right is far less important than making our spouse feel loved and encouraged.  Join me today as I make a commitment to surrender my need to be right and focus instead on making my spouse feel valued.

Sexual Addiction: Roadblock to Intimacy

Guess what!  This week you get an extra installment of:

When Tonya Ferguson asked me to partner with her in writing a series on Sex God’s Way, neither one of us was prepared for the number of responses we would receive from women who were struggling because their husbands were not interested in engaging in sex with them!  Much of our experience and study had prepared us for WOMEN not being interested in sex, but MEN?  Weren’t they supposed to be complete sex-mongers?

As we read the comments and private messages from these women, one common theme began to stand out: most (but not all) of these husbands had dealt - or were still dealing - with an addiction to porn and/or masturbation, or some other form of sexual sin.

I find myself grieving for these women who so want to share this intimate expression of love with their husbands but are not afforded the opportunity.  Oh, how Satan has abused and broken this beautiful gift our Lord created for us!  And I have prayed in earnest for these husbands to be freed from their bondage and enabled to love their wives with heart, soul, mind and BODY!

And so it is through prayers for wisdom and the leading of the Holy Spirit that I write these thoughts:

Sexual Addiction is a VERY real thing.  We don’t want to look at it the same way we do an addiction to nicotine or alcohol or gambling, but it is no different!  It creates a very physical craving for more and more stimulation, each act requiring more stimulation to achieve the level of pleasure that was achieved the time before.  It involves chemical reactions in your mind and body, and it involves a mental and emotional addiction as well.

Men who are addicted to sexual stimulation have been put in Spiritual bondage by our enemy the devil.  When men have been involved with porn or masturbation or other ungodly sexual activity, Satan has chained them through this sin.  They MUST face their addiction, calling it what it is and confessing it OUT LOUD, and then they must invite Jesus to break these chains.  They need Godly men and women to pray with them, pray for them, pray over them to gain freedom over the long-lasting effects of their sins.  Sexual addiction is too often hidden away in the secret places of our lives, but it must be brought out into the open and dealt with.  My husband has a close friend who was a closet alcoholic for years, and it wasn’t until it was forced out into the open that he was able to face it and deal with it.  Sexual addiction works the same way.

A person fighting to gain freedom from sexual addiction will also need someone to walk alongside them through the struggle.  Think of it like an AA sponsor, only for sex.  This person must have total access to the addict’s life; he’s got to be allowed to ask the addict ANYthing and know that he’s going to get an honest answer.  It’s kind of like an accountability partner, only it’s that plus SO much more.

If men are used to having erotic stimulation such as porn in order to achieve and maintain an erection, they may need to take a "fast" from any and all sexual stimulation.  This means TV, ALL internet access, magazines... they will ALL have to be purged from their homes.  They will have to be HIGHLY intentional about guarding their eyes in surroundings outside their homes.  And then they and their wives will have to commit to NOT initiating anything sexual for a period of time.  It won't be fun for either one, but it is with a purpose.  And as 1 Corinthians 7 instructs, they must use this time for prayer…together…about their sex life!  Just like a person who has been living on junk food... the good, healthy stuff just doesn't taste good...UNTIL you purge your life of the junk.  After NOT eating the junk for a good long time, the real stuff tastes really good!  And after a man completely purges his life from the junk and retrains his appetite to enjoy Godly sexuality, his wife should more than arouse and satisfy him.

I know that not every man's inability to have sex or disinterest in sex ties back to a porn and/or masturbation addiction, but I think that many do.  Even once a man no longer views the porn, that sin still has a hold on him until he fully surrenders it to the Lord.  If it's not porn, it may be some other sexual issue that is still wrapping guilt around the whole idea of sex.  Even someone who was sexually abused is often burdened with guilt over something that was never his fault.  Guilt will always stand in the way of true intimacy!

Wives, here are some thoughts for you as you support your husband in his pursuit of freedom from sexual bondage:

Imagine your husband in chains and shackles, locked behind the bars of a prison cell.  This is what Satan has done to him through his addiction to ungodly sexual stimulation.  Let that image compel you to have compassion and mercy on your husband, and let it drive you to your knees in prayer for his release.  Your husband is not the enemy; Satan is.

Take the pressure off of him to “perform.”  If you have tried unsuccessfully to have sex, know that your man probably feels really low about himself.  That’s his MANHOOD we’re talking about, you know?!  So relax for a while and don’t try to push him until he’s ready.  While you’re waiting on him, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!  I’ve said it before and I’ll just keep saying it…PRAY about your sex life!  Take the responsibility off of yourself and your husband and wait on the Lord to lead you!

Affirm your husband and his manliness without attaching it to anything sexual.  Let him know you appreciate how he takes care of you and your family.  Applaud his achievements at work, his involvement in community service or church activities.  Remind him that you love him!

Did I mention that you should PRAY for him?

Realize that you can’t fight this battle for your husband.  HE has to make the choice to pursue freedom through Christ.  And understand that it wouldn’t matter how beautiful or sexy you were, you wouldn’t be enough to draw your man away from the addiction.  Not because you aren’t gorgeous, but because Satan has convinced him that the sin is better, that the counterfeit pleasure is better than the real thing.  Satan is SUCH a liar!

One more thing: PRAY!  (I think you’re starting to get my point…)

My sisters in Christ, don’t give up on your husband or your pursuit of an intimate relationship with him.  NOTHING is beyond the reaches of our God’s mighty power, and I firmly believe He can and will restore intimacy to your marriage.  Be persistent in your prayers and compassionate in your love, and may God’s tender mercy trade your ashes for beauty and your brokenness for restoration.

“Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.  Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!  Replace the evil years with good.” Psalm 90:14-15

Want to read more? Check out this Resource List that Tonya and I have compiled!

Three's a Crowd

Welcome to this week's edition of...

 

Over the past week or so I've had the pleasure of partnering with a friend of mine to write a series of blog posts addressing a Godly perspective of sex.  As I answered readers' comments on those posts, I began to understand just how deeply many women are hurting in this area of their marriages.

One particular topic that just keeps coming back is the prevalence of pornography, even in Christian homes.  It breaks my heart to read how many couples are being held in bondage by this evil trap that Satan has designed.

I want to spend some time addressing the topic of pornography, but today I feel the Spirit leading me in a different -- but somewhat similar -- direction.

You see, part -- and I do really mean only part -- of the problem of pornography is the fact that it brings another person (or people) into what is supposed to be an exclusive marriage relationship.

But porn is not the only means through which we do this. 

Do you call your mom to complain about your husband every time you have a disagreement?  Does your husband share all the details of your sex life with his buddy at work?  Is your best friend privy to information about your spouse that is deeply personal and private?  Does your mother-in-law have unlimited access to your home and your husband's attention and affection?

Then perhaps you should consider that you have allowed another person into your marriage.

Or maybe you've brought someone into the most intimate part of your marriage -- your bedroom.  They may not (absolutely SHOULD NOT) be there in person, but you've brought them there through your thoughts and fantasies.  Maybe your spouse isn't the only sexual partner you've had, and you compare those past experiences to the intimate moments you share with your spouse.  Or it might not even be a real person, just a character from the latest book you've been reading or movie you watched.  And instead of focusing on giving yourself wholly to our spouse, you're imagining it is someone else that you are with or comparing reality with this unrealistic fantasy.

And suddenly there are not just two people involved in your marriage, but THREE.

I'm guessing that's not exactly how you pictured things on your wedding day.

There are just certain parts of your marriage that are ONLY to be shared between you and your husband, and the only "third party" that should be involved is God.  The sexual side of things is obvious, but I challenge you to think beyond the bedroom when you consider your vow to keep yourself only for your spouse. 

Scripture speaks several times about a husband and wife becoming "one flesh."  We generally take that to mean a sexual union, but I have come to understand that it is more of an entwining of people, heart, mind, soul AND body.  Which means you are to keep yourself emotionally and intellectually for your spouse as well as physically.

The danger in bringing someone else into your marriage, such as a mother or best friend, is that your loyalty begins to shift.  The relationship that was designed to be sacred, intimate and unbreakable then becomes second to this other relationship.  The person who is supposed to be FIRST in your life ends up taking a back seat to this other person.  And trust me, Satan will snatch that opportunity to begin driving a wedge between husband and wife, his primary goal to destroy the beautiful marriage that God has created.

[I'm not saying that a wife shouldn't have a confidante (although I strongly advise against it being her mother!), just that there are certain subjects and details that shouldn't be shared outside of your marriage.  Trust me, I know that sometimes we just need to tell someone, but some details are best saved for your journal and your prayer time.]

Marriage was created by God to be between one man and one woman; no mothers, best friends or fantasies are invited!

I'm a sucker for Victorian-era movies, and The Young Victoria is one of my favorites of late.  Toward the end of the movie, the young queen is advised by a friend that her long time caregiver, Lehzen, must be let go if Prince Albert, her new husband, is ever to feel welcome and comfortable in his new home.  The friend realizes that a marriage that involves three people just doesn't work.  It was a hard thing for Victoria to do, to send her life-long friend and confidante away, but for the sake of her marriage she did it.

It might be time for you to make some hard decisions yourself.  It might be time to break some ties with certain people or to set new boundaries for your conversation and friendship.  Let your spouse know that he or she is the most important person in your life, your marriage the most valued relationship. 

Because in a marriage, two is perfect company, but three is definitely a crowd.

One For the Guys...

For about the last year, I've had the privilege of teaching women about a very important subject.  It is a subject that you husbands will appreciate and applaud, I'm sure.  I have been teaching wives about the importance of speaking love to their husbands the way most husbands want to be loved.  Yep, I'm talking about sex.  I've been helping women find ways to overcome their insecurities and dedicate themselves to loving their husbands with heart, mind, and more specifically... their BODY.

What I haven't had the opportunity to do is speak to the husbands on the subject of how to intentionally love their wives.  I feel like I've been teaching half the class and completely ignoring the other half!  Because a women's ability to love her husband physically is so connected with how loved she feels in return.  Now, don't get me wrong; I teach that as wives, we have to "love" our husbands regardless of how well they love us in return.  But let's be honest: that resolve and dedication only go so far.  Eventually they burn out.  Unless you keep them fueled.  I want to give you a woman's perspective on how you can do that for your wife.

We have all heard it said that women want more romance.  And romance is nice.  But when it comes right down to it, we want more than that; romance is really just part of the package.  In fact, I surveyed a group of women to find out what the top three things were that they needed from their men to make them feel loved and out of 16 different answers, only ONCE was "romance" mentioned. What is romance, anyway?  Remove our picture of "romance" created by the latest trendy movie or novel; those are at best unrealistic.  Romance in a marriage is made of the little things...the things more adeptly defined by the women who answered and said they wanted the occasional gift, the display of thoughtfulness, the adoring words.  Romance can involve special evenings or events, but it can also be the card left on her dresser or the message you leave on her voicemail.  Yes, I think "romance" could be re-defined as thoughtfulness.  

We want to know you're thinking of us.  

Because we're thinking of you ALL.THE.TIME.

The most common answer I got from women when I asked them what they needed from their husbands was (try not to be shocked) TIME.  We want you to spend TIME with us.  Without the computer, without the phone, without the television.  We want your undivided attention.  We want you to enjoy spending time with us, talking to us, sharing with us.  I know some men panic at the thought of having to have a one-on-one, honest conversation with their wife.  What will we talk about?  What if she wants me to talk and not just listen?  What if...?  Guys, I promise it will be worth the time and effort.  Think of it as an investment with an amazing return.  When you intentionally spend time listening to and interacting with your wife, her love-meter will be off the charts.  And when she feels that good about you, she will be so much more eager to show you.

Some of the other answers I got from my survey were: affirmation, support/help, affection, adoration, honor, patience, faithfulness... It was a surprisingly long list.  But as I looked over the answers, I just kept coming back to one thought:  Women want to be TREASURED.  We want you to think of us and treat us as if we really are the best thing that ever walked into your life.  We want to be treated as you would a priceless jewel -- carefully, lovingly, tenderly.  We want you to be proud of us and boast about us.  And we need to be reminded often (and in many ways) that we are your treasure.  Do you know that for many of us, our self-image and self-confidence are deeply rooted in how our husbands treat us and in how they portray us to others?  In fact, the way you treat your wife will often reinforce -- for the good or bad -- her image of how God loves her!  I'm guessing you didn't realize you had that much influence in her life.  Pretty amazing, isn't it?

In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church.  That is, He gave Himself up for her.  Verses 28 and 29 say:"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church."  He feeds and cares for it.  I would daresay that to "feed" your wife has nothing at all to do with actual food.  Instead, feed her confidence.  Feed her sense of self-worth.  Feed her soul.  Speak words to her that build her up.  Give her affection (without demanding something in return).  Show her that you adore her.  Lead her in Godliness.  Put some wind in her wings and watch her soar!

If you and your wife struggle with your physical relationship, if you feel like your wife isn't willing to meet your needs in the bedroom, I challenge you to take a look at how well you are "loving" her.  Are you treating her like a priceless gem?  Are you making it a point to treasure her each and every day?  If not, make a commitment to find out what speaks the loudest to her and then do it.  Again and again.  As she feels more loved by you, she will be willing (eager, even!) to reciprocate.  And as that cycle continues, it will only get better.

One of my favorite songs of all time is recorded by Harry Connick, Jr.  It is called "The Recipe For Love," and it starts out like this: "A little bit of me and a whole lot of you..."  When each partner in a marriage lives by that rule, they really do create the perfect recipe for love, and like Harry says, "It doesn't need sugar, 'cause it's already sweet.  It doesn't need an oven, 'cause it's got a lotta heat."  That being said, it's time to get off your computer.  Go send your wife a text to say that you love her.  Or write her a note.  Or if you're lucky enough to be with her right now, go look her in the eyes and tell her how much of a treasure she is.  Give her the right ingredients, and I promise you will end up with a love like no other.

Happy Anniversary, My Love

Fourteen years.  Today marks fourteen years that Scott and I have been married.

We've traveled a lot of roads in fourteen years.  Not all of them easy.  Or fun.  Or even close to romantic.  But we've traveled them together, and that's what matters the most.

We've survived four pregnancies, the last of which included an eleven-week bed rest.  (Vacation for me, not so much for Scott...)  We've lived in eight different homes, in four different states.  We've been through eight years of ministry together, a year or two of telemarketing, and now four years of teaching.  Mixed in with that came a graduate degree and teaching certification.  Not to mention the four kiddos we're trying to raise.

We've lived through times when we thought we were poor and times when we really were.

We've weathered the loss of a grandparent.

We've comforted each other through the heartache of moving 650 miles from our best friends.

We've laughed ourselves silly over the most ridiculous things.

We've said "I'm sorry" at least a million times.

We've looked into each others' eyes and said, "I love you no matter what," and meant it.

But most of all, we've learned to look to Jesus regardless of what kind of road we're on.  We've learned to look to Him as our source of joy, of comfort, of strength.  And we've learned that, with Christ as our center, fourteen years is only the beginning.

The One Flesh Relationship: Loving each other with heart, soul, mind and strength

Those of you who visit my blog regularly know that I write often about marriage.  The subject of marriage is one that I am passionate about because I have met so many men and women whose marriages are at best mediocre, and so many more who are barely hanging on.  Christians are absolutely not immune to marital problems, and I see Satan use marriage as a battleground on which to wage war against our faith.  I am determined to help Christian couples stand up to the enemy and fight for their marriages, and so I continue to write and teach the truths that God reveals to me.

Sometimes that means I have to deal with some issues that are a little uncomfortable to talk about.  It means I have to talk about things like sex and porn and infidelity.  Because if we leave these things in the dark -- and Christians in the dark about these things -- we can never bring them into full submission to God.  But when we bring them into the light, we can start to deal with them and bring healing to broken and hurting people.

One issue that I often talk with women about is how hard it is for wives to give themselves fully and freely to their husbands.  Somehow we've gotten this idea that we can have successful and fulfilling marriages without being willing to reach out to our husbands physically.  We expect to stay committed to him -- and he to us -- emotionally and mentally and spiritually without that physical interaction.  And it just doesn't work. 

We are told in Mark 12:30 to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.  We as humans are made up of four different aspects: heart (emotional); soul (spiritual); mind (cognitive); and strength (physical).  Wives, these four aspects are woven together to create in you a unique person, unlike anyone else in the world.  Your husband is also uniquely made up of these four things; he is emotional, spiritual, cognitive and physical.   You are each your own person, created in the image of God, who is also emotional, spiritual, cognitive and physical (in the person of Jesus).  When you enter into a one-flesh marriage relationship these two beautifully unique people give themselves to be intertwined with the other.  Your spirit wraps itself with his, your heart and your mind become interwoven with his, and yes, your physical bodies meet in a very special way.  And as these four aspects of each one of you weave themselves together, they become a new, beautiful creation.  If you look closely, you can still see the individual strands of both husband and wife, but they have mingled together to create this new design, this new entity…this one flesh.  Man and woman united as one, together reflecting the perfect image of the One who created them.  THIS is what it means to become “One Flesh.”

My heart breaks when women share with me how this beautiful one-flesh tapestry has been damaged in their marriage.  Too many times they share how Satan has distorted sexuality, either through abuse earlier in their life, or more often through their husband's addiction to pornography.  Satan has lured too many husbands into thinking that they can have the pleasure of a sexual experience outside of the emotional and spiritual relationship with their wives.  I have seen the addiction wrap itself around the hearts of men and hold them in shackles, convincing them that they have a right to this experience.  And I have seen the spirits of their wives being crushed underneath feelings of rejection and inadequacy.

The root of both problems -- women not wanting to participate in sex and men being consumed by it -- is the removal of sexuality from the context of the one-flesh relationship that God designed.  We’ve got to recognize that all four of these aspects are so woven around each other that you cannot change one without changing the others.  You cannot just decide that you don’t want to stay connected physically the way he needs you to and still expect to have the emotional and spiritual connection that YOU want.  And he cannot seek out sexual satisfaction without the spiritual and emotional aspects of marriage and expect to find the gratification he's looking for.  When we try to remove any one strand of this beautifully woven creation, we either cause untold damage to the other three, or we undo the entire thing and remove ourselves completely.  Either choice leaves both spouses hurting and the marriage broken.

Consider this: when a woman decides that she wants to unwind the physical aspect of her marriage, she also begins to unravel herself emotionally, mentally and spiritually from her husband.  The result is a hole in her marriage relationship, a door per-say, through which Satan gains entry and begins to entice her husband.  As he battles with his body's God-given need for sex, he also has to fight to silence Satan's whispers that he can find satisfaction through other means than his wife.  As he begins to dabble with porn or masturbation or even sexual involvement with another woman, his wife feels rejected and begins to unwind herself even more from her husband.  Don't get me wrong, an unmet sexual need in NO way justifies ANY form of infidelity, and a husband is absolutely responsible for his own choices.  But you can see how the cycle continues to unravel the entire marriage relationship.  (And sometimes the cycle begins with the husband's choices instead of the wife's.)

Sexuality is something that God designed to be a beautiful and intimate experience.  It requires both husband and wife to completely trust one another and allow themselves to be absolutely vulnerable with each other.  It is an expression of the deep love and commitment they have for one another.  But somehow, Satan has convinced men and women otherwise.  In his smooth, deceitful tongue, he has convinced us that sex is for physical pleasure only, and he has distorted the truth until it bears but a glimmer of what God intended it to be.

We don't like to talk about this much in our churches and Bible studies.  It's not comfortable and it's too personal.  But if we as God's people want to see marriages succeed...no, thrive...then we've got to stop ignoring this issue and stop pretending it doesn't exist.  We've got to bring it out into the light and let God bring restoration and redemption into our marriages.

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." ~ John 3:19-21

Walls

We humans are really good at building walls.  We build them to protect us from nature, and we build them to protect us from each other.  In Biblical times, a wall was a city's best defense from its enemies, and a weakness in the wall could be a city's demise.  Walls are built thick and strong to do their job of keeping out anything or anyone that could cause harm.

We are really good at building emotional walls, too.  When we experience something painful or sense that something might hurt us, we throw up that wall to defend ourselves from further attack.  Some of us have grown so weary of the world that we never let that wall come down.  It stands tall and strong, keeping out any who might try to come close, whether friend or foe.  It is, for sure, a defense mechanism that we have turned to out of the instinct of self-preservation.

David writes in Psalm 18:2, "The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.  He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety."  Later, he says in Psalm 94:22, "But the Lord is my fortress; my God is the mighty rock where I hide."

We don't have to build our own walls; God will be that protective wall for us.  I love the idea of Him being my fortress.   A fortress is described as being a heavily protected and impenetrable building.  When we hide in our Lord, we are SAFE.  Our enemies cannot hurt us.

But what if God's protection for us doesn't always come in the form of prevention?  What if His being our mighty wall doesn't mean that we never get hurt, but that He gives us the strength to endure the pain?  What if His way of keeping us "safe" means that He gives us the ability to extend grace and mercy to the person that is hurting us?

You see,  I am convinced that when Jesus said he came to bring us "life to the fullest" (John 10:10), He meant that not only would we experience great joy, but also deep sorrow.  It is in those moments of sorrow and intense pain that we experience the true depth of God's grace and provision.  It is in those moments that we learn to trust Him completely.  But if we live our lives cowering behind a wall that we have built, we will never have the opportunities for those experiences.

I am positive that there has not been a single person on the face of the earth who has not been hurt by another person in some way.  Each of us has experienced betrayal of one kind or another, sometimes by the people who are closest to us and profess to love us the most.  Whether it is a parent, a child, a sibling, a close friend or a spouse, when someone that we love hurts us, our first instinct is to pull away and build a wall between them and us.  And even when we re-enter a relationship with that person, we do so with that wall still in place.

What I am suggesting is that you can trust God to be your protector.  You can trust Him to be your fortress.  You can enter or re-enter relationships with people knowing that God is protecting you.  But it might not look the way you expect it to.  Those same hurtful situations may happen again (in fact, you can almost bet that they will), but when they do, God will sustain you through those circumstances.  He may protect your emotions by not letting things hurt as deeply.  He may change your reaction to one of compassion and sympathy rather than defensiveness.  Whatever He chooses to do, you can trust Him to carry you through.  God will not let you down, and you cannot let our enemy convince you that experiencing a hurtful situation is evidence that God has abandoned you!  "Never will I leave you or forsake you," He says. (Hebrews 13:5)

Tear your walls down, friends.  Hide instead in the fortress of God's love and mercy, and trust Him to provide the strength you need to endure hurtful situations.  Allow Him to use those situations to shape you into an image more like Himself.  Yes, life hurts sometimes, but God is with you, strengthening you and providing everything you need in those circumstances.  He will not let you down!  I close with these words from Isaiah 12:2:

"Surely God is my salvation;
    I will trust and not be afraid.
The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense;
    he has become my salvation.”