The Big 5-0

 FIFTY.

I’m turning FIFTY years old today.

I’m struggling with that number. Not because I feel old, because I don’t. Not because my life isn’t wonderful, because it is.

I’m struggling because at fifty, I know that my years of health and mental productivity are limited. The average life-span for women is mid to late seventies. Which means that I have most likely lived at least two-thirds of my life. And I have SO.MUCH.MORE that I want to accomplish. In fact, at times it feels like I’m just getting started.

I’m not afraid of the end of my life; I know what comes next, and it will be glorious. In fact, some days I long for that to come. I also know that what I want to accomplish in life pales to nearly invisible compared to eternity with Jesus.

But still, there’s so much that I want to do. I’ve always been the “just one more thing before we go” person (it’s amazing I’m on time for anything), so I guess this is on par for who I am.  There will always be one more thing I want to accomplish right up until the moment I see the LORD face to face.

Since I’m struggling so much with this today, I thought I should take a few minutes and reflect on all that I did and experienced in my forties. It’s been a fun stroll down memory lane.

I started my Master of Divinity degree the month before I turned forty. I finished it four years later with a 4.0 GPA and honors (and the designation of being a “Hebrew Jedi”) from my instructors. That’s worth celebrating.

I started what turned out to be a short-lived career as a vocational minister. I loved it, but it was probably the most difficult five years of my life. Then I discovered that I loved teaching and started a new career as a college instructor. While I questioned my decision for months, I have grown tremendously and have no doubts that I’m in the right career.

I celebrated my twentieth and twenty-fifth anniversaries with my husband. This year marks twenty-seven, and we’re still going strong!

I saw all four of my children graduate from high school. They are all amazing humans. Be still, my heart.

I welcomed two daughters-in-law into my heart and into the family. My sons chose well. Weddings are a ton of work, but so much fun.

I met people and built friendships that I know will last a lifetime. And I continued to treasure the friends that were with me in my thirties. You are so loved.

I said, “see you later” to too many friends and loved ones. I have made peace with the river of grief that flows steadily and deeply in my life.

I finished and published my own novel. There are still some things I would change about that experience, but I did it! My husband’s support and encouragement were definitely a large reason I was able to make that happen.

I learned the art of making sourdough bread. I can't say I've mastered it because there's so much more for me to learn, but I can make a pretty yummy sandwich loaf. 

I applied to and was accepted into a Ph.D. program at Fuller Seminary. I’m not completely sure I know what I got myself into…

And so I begin a new decade. Soon I’ll have an empty nest, but I’ll be busy chasing my dream of becoming Dr. Logan. I have no idea what the next ten years will truly hold. I know there will be wonderful things and there will be hard things, and some will be both. I pray God will make more of them than I could ever imagine, that He will find me worthy of the calling He has placed on me, and that He will sustain me through whatever comes.

Here’s to another ten years and beyond.